"Many people spend more time in planning the wedding

than they do in planning the marriage."  Zig Ziglar

A friend of mine used to say this of her relationships: "I like grapefruit.  You like grapefruit.  Let's move in together!"  She admits now this way of choosing partners didn't work well.  We can all laugh at the naivete of such a selection process, and yet, there are couples who end up seeking my help who seem to have done little more than agree they both like something then plunge into the planning of the wedding rather than the planning of their marriage.

What happened to having rich, deep, juicy conversations about a shared future?  Do they have the same belief systems around the value of money? How about where they will live and how many children they would like to have?  What happens if they can't have children, what lengths will they go to to have their own?  Do they agree on child-rearing and parenting issues? What if a parent needs 24/7 nursing - will they take them in to their own home?  How about careers - are they compatible, or will any travelling required have them be apart so much they barely have any time together?

I will always remember a couple who consulted with me ten weeks before their wedding, the first for  her and second for him.  It was to be a lavish affair with family and friends travelling from far and wide to witness their nuptials.  A second marriage for them both, I began to feel uneasy when I started to ask questions such as these and met mostly blank, uncomfortable stares.  It became clear that they had spent the last twelve months since they met planning this magnificent wedding and spending little or no time on their future together beyond the wedding.

It also became clear to me that it was my job in that moment to equip them with as many skills and tools for communication, conflict resolution, and appreciating one another as I possibly could.  I continued to feel uneasy and recommended they return after the honeymoon (real and metaphorical) to lay the groundwork for their future.

Sadly, about two years later Mrs. X contacted me reporting they were having significant difficulties but that Mr. X was unwilling to come to couples counselling.   Tough situation for this certainly takes two to tango.  To cut a long story short, they parted company.

I often wonder if they had learned the implicit lessons (of now two marriages for  him)?  Had they taken the time to communicate deeply about their shared life goals, desires, dreams, future together - would they have made a success of their marriage?  I'll never know for sure, but I do believe they would have had a better chance.