When Mike and Sue consulted me about their unsatisfying marriage, Mike attended grudgingly.  He was clear that he worked hard at his job, 60 hours a week was usual, and unless the relationship could take care of itself, then he thought he'd picked the wrong partner.  I'm sad to report that many of the men who consult with me feel this way.  I'm usually successful at revealing to them that this is a notion based in fantasy, but sometimes not.

When I am successful there is a genuine opening for the couple to move toward one another again and renew their connection and intimacy.  For here's the truth about satisfying, enduring relationships - sit down if you're not already sitting down and take a deep breath - they take work.  Work?  Yes, work.  And it can be joyous, fun work!  Honestly!  Isn't it fun to go out on a date?  How about idling away Sunday in bed? Or giving one another a full body massage? Or connecting through conversation or hiking or biking or strolling along by the river or .... what do you love to do together?

One of the things all these activities have in common is that the couple is making one another a priority. We are so busy these days that it's all too easy to only meet briefly before bedtime during the week and have separate activities planned for much of the weekend. If you consider John Gottman's concept of love maps pretty much the only way to know one another deeply is to spend quality time together. 

So what are some of the things that typically get in the way of making one another a priority?  Common things I hear from couples:

• work
• commuting and travel
• children
• other family members
• affairs
• hobbies and interests
• friends
• addictions and habits (alcohol, drugs, internet, porn, gambling, food)
• fear and unresolved historical concerns causing avoidance
• mental health issues (depression, anxiety and complex concerns)
• chronic ill-health

Of these, by far the most common are the top four which tend to lead to the others.

Once a couple has got into the routine of not spending time together it can be difficult to change course - whatever we practice we get really good at - so some couples I see have forgotten how to connect.  But connection is like riding a bicycle - get back on, and you find you haven't forgotten after all. Simply making time to go for a walk one evening during the week or at the weekend; or arranging to have dinner together (preferably out where someone else is doing the work and the couple is not distracted by preparation and clear-up) is a good start.

Don't let this be your story:

...One day, reaching out to each other,

they found a barrier they could not penetrate,

and recoiling from the coldness of the stone,

each retreated from the stranger on the other side.

For when love dies, it is not in a moment of angry battle,

not when fiery bodies lose their heat.

It lies panting, exhausted

expiring at the bottom of a wall it could not scale.

Anonymous - The Wall

For singles to consider:

• if you were to get into relationship, what takes up your time now that could be modified to accommodate a partner?
• what activities would you like to share with a partner? what hobbies and interests might you share?
• do you have any time consuming solo activities that could interfere with "us" time?
• do you have any historical concerns that might get in the way of making your partner a priority?

For couples to consider:

• how much of a priority do you make one another now? (rate yourself and each other on a scale of 1-10)  how satisfied are you?
• what activities would you like to do together that you are not currently making time for?
• what needs to be less of a priority in order to make "us" a priority? what's getting in the way of making each other a priority? is it the same for you both, or different?