When I lived in California I remember hearing addictions specialist Terry Gorski say something like "when your gonads go off, run don't walk." I've stored this away as a mantra to remember the difference between the special healthy sexual spark and the unhealthy addictive attraction that's utterly deadly for the heart and soul. I consider great chemistry between couples to be a combination of both sexual energy and deep friendship, both of which provide the juice and connection to weather the storms and revel in the highs of relationship.
Many theories underlie the origin and workings of sexual chemistry - perhaps it's to do with the complex bio-physical science of pheromones; maybe it's about the more psychological nature of personality profiles and mythic archetypes; perhaps it's that unconscious draw of unresolved childhood dramas being played out in the possibilities of this new romance; or maybe we have one true soul-mate somewhere on the planet towards whom we are ultimately drawn....
What remains undeniable is the visceral experience we have of sexual chemistry. A warm glow all over the body, all through the body, delicious tingles, heart palpitations, the excitement of anticipation when every cell feels on fire, poised for response and action.
Whatever the origin, sexual chemistry either exists for two people together, or it doesn't. There's just a sense, a knowing, something you can't exactly see or hear or touch, but something that is exciting and compelling and heart-poundingly good. And it can't be faked. And it goes through phases.
As life naturally ebbs and flows, so does the strength and power of sexual chemistry. It will be at its height in the beginning of a relationship, in the "honeymoon" phase which lasts for anything from two weeks to two years. Thereafter, as any marital text will say, it is essential for a couple to have ways to re-ignite their passion as the potentially mundane matters of life get in the way of special time together. John Gottman, Ph.D., in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, recommends regular date nights and weekends away which I thoroughly endorse in my work with couples.
The other aspect of chemistry, deep friendship, can certainly keep the embers of the sexual fire alight and glowing. Being one another's most favourite friend, delighting in one another's company makes being together - in and out of bed - absolutely delicious. Here's how I make the distinction between healthy and unhealthy sexual attraction mentioned at the outset. Are you friends? Do you like one another's company? What do you have in common? Do you have a compatible if not shared belief system? Is your time together easy to co-ordinate, flowing and fluid? Can you be in the same room doing different things and have a sense of connection and comfort?
The lucky people who have both sexual chemistry and deep friendship often report a profound sense of safety with one another, a deep sense of being known and understood, an ease of familiarity. Reminds me of one of my favourite Rumi quotes:
The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.
I've had the honour of working with a few couples who demonstrate this type of profoundly rewarding connection. They're smart enough to acknowledge that even with all they have going for them, it's useful once in a while to check in with an expert for what can be compared to car maintenance activities - an oil change or an engine service. Such consultations are a joy. They're mostly about problem-solving aspects of communication style that haven't gone well for them alone, other fine-tuning, exploring new territory, perhaps coming up with creative ideas for getting the most out of the time they spend together. All of which help to boost connectivity and re-ignite their sexual passion. Full circle.
In their book The New Couple, Taylor and McGee summarise The Key to Chemistry as:
...finding a partner who:
Some questions to consider:
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do you know anyone who demonstrates the kind of chemistry you'd like to have? how would you describe it?
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did your parents model the type of chemistry you'd like to have?
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how's the chemistry you have with your partner? if it's not how you'd like it to be, is there capacity for change?
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are you confident you can distinguish between healthy sexual desire and unhealthy addictive attraction?
